2007 held a number of important moments for me. Most of them were happy, some were not. I lead a fairly full life, though certainly the most robust moments weren't always the best and certainly not the most important. It is hard to take a stock of the past 500,000+ moments and pick just one.
This year I traveled. A lot! Many of those trips were important to me. Building connections, seeing new places, experiencing different parts of this great planet we live on.
I got a promotion this year. I am somewhat defined by my work. Any of my friends can tell you that. I work way too much, and I take it very seriously.
I had significant changes in my family. My grandmother died. This was a pivotal moment for me. And it is hard to think of it as not being the most important moment, as she raised me and was certainly my closest confidant and most loyal friend, and even fan. She is one of the only people in my life who I felt really loved me unconditionally.
Early in 2007 I had my 30th birthday. Much carousing. Great friends around. All the usual birthday pomp. But birthdays are what they are. A celebration of making it this far. A toast it making it twice as long.
I suppose what i would put down as the most important moment was something that happened that was much bigger than any of these singular areas, though is colored by all of them. At some point in the past year, some singular moment, something clicked and for the first time in 30 years I truly felt like a man.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't felt all girly or anything. I just haven't always loved or accepted what it means to be a man, versus being a guy, or a dude, or a boy.
I see many things from such a different place now. Where I used to find only black and white I can now see shades of gray. My capacity for understanding, my desire to be understood, my willingness to absorb as much as I can have all increased.
My capacity for love, to love, to be loved and to love myself have increased too, and that last part is SO IMPORTANT because my body continues to change. I am hairier each day. I feel some of the aches and pains that just 5 years ago I would have mocked some of my older friends for. I sleep a lot. I need a good, strong shot of espresso to get me going in the morning. I can't party all night, or at least not as often. I am having to work out harder than before to fight back the tummy fat. And speaking of shade of gray- have you seen my sideburns!?
Oh, boy! That photo is a hot mess! But it is all good! I love it! It is real and real is great! Now... am I just going to give-up and get frumpy? FUCK NO! 30 is the new 20, and apparently the 20-somethings have gotten the memo! I have lots of young guys after me! Heck, I have gone on a few dates with a 19-year old! WTF? Nothing like dippin' your stick into the fountain of youth. OMG I JUST TYPED THAT!
And while it's not so sexy to realize that you have to retire body-shots of tequila in favor of flu shots, I realize that growing up, becoming a man was not only inevitable, it was necessary.
So there it is. My most important moment of 2007. The moment I let go of the trappings of the bullshit vanity of youth and decided to love the man I am becoming.
Gray hairs and all.
p.s. These photos are part of my exploration of what it means to love the body I own. Lemme know what you think.
Nothing ugly about him! But if we are talking about really manly...
Whoa. Testosterone overload!
None of these choices are really THE hottest guy, though.
In my opinion, being the hottest guy is about more than just good looks, killer body or a deep, sexy voice (talking to you there Jodie!) To me, sexy is about intelligence, integrity, being brave, being kind and striving to make the world better in some way.
My pick for the hottest guy on planet Earth would be:
I know, trust me, I KNOW! I need to get over it already!
I have had a huge crush on Andrew ever since the first time we met. And while the whole "dating" thing didn't work out, I retain an amazing amount of affection and admiration for him.
I truly DO think he's the sexiest guy on the planet and here are some reasons you should too:
1. Did you look at those photos? DANG!
2. He's a genius. Or damn close. He's on his way to a PhD. (And then a Nobel Prize.)
3. So sweet and funny it gives you a toothache and a pain in your side.
4. Last year he worked to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS issues in Africa and took a trek to Kenya to volunteer his time to the effort.
5. He's a total nerd. (Who doesn't love a hot nerd?)
6. Andrew is an awesome friend, a great listener, not judgmental and totally compassionate.
7. If he melted my cold, hard, withered heart - imagine what he could do to you!
My favorite part is that he is probably gonna be something close to furious at me for casting this spotlight on him, but I don't give a shit. It's time someone made it loud and clear to everyone... Andrew is amazing. (And last I heard he was single too!)
In my day-to-day blogging I definitely rely on video to help me tell the complete story. You have seen that with my other entries in this competition. I attach clips of musical performances, crazy commercials and dancing cats. I have NEVER done my own video though!
I wasn't sure where to start, so I was thinking as I was driving and then WHAM! the idea hit. So here you have it... a glimpse into the reality of my supposedly glamorous life.
The song is Highway Blues by the Seattle jazz-trio called New Stories.
Just a reminder... if I win the 1st or 2nd prize, I will be donating 50% of the post-tax cash prize amount to charity. (25% to the American Lung Association, 25% to AMFAR, The Foundation for AIDS Research.) If I win any other cash prize I will be donating the full amount to the American Lung Association.
Not voting for me is like giving a thumbs-up to cancer and AIDS. You aren't THAT evil... are you?
P.S. (just for Toby!) Answer 10: [Name removed to protect the innocent]
Challenge 4: Post Vanity Shots Of Yourself that include the QueerClick orange color or the QueerClick Logo (or both)
VANITY PHOTOS!?
THIS CHALLENGE WAS DESIGNED JUST FOR ME!
Well... or so you'd think. Because OMMFG... I LOVE self-portraits! And I love Carly Simon AND Vanity Smurf but not so much Danity Kane, or candy canes. Oh, oh, oh! I love Carol Kane though! You know, in that movie and she's all "DR. MANDRAKIS? DR. MANDRAKIS?" and the policeman is all "THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!" Aargh! It was SO SCARY. Frankly I may be on a bit of an eggnog high... so don't mind me, just read on. =)
The thing is, I had a tough time with this challenge. I don't know if the idea that i had to shoot to a particular parameter felt limiting, or just the fact that I started to feel like my work looked crappy when I added the QC logos. Perhaps it is the whole idea of creating-on-demand.
I don't particularly look good in orange, though this one time, I did a spray-on tan at a salon, and I guess that was OK. In fact I looked pretty good for being clearly fake orangey-tan. Except the crack of my ass was white. I guess you are supposed to "spread" when the machine sprays back there. Oops!
In any event, I humbly submit my entry... let me know what you think! (Somebody pass the eggnog!)
I would be asleep at the wheel if I didn't post this after the reference to it earlier. (I even put it in a little orange frame. You can't beat the little details, right?) Enjoy!
Just a reminder... if I win the 1st or 2nd prize, I will be donating 50% of the post-tax cash prize amount to charity. (25% to the American Lung Association, 25% to AMFAR, The Foundation for AIDS Research.) If I win any other cash prize I will be donating the full amount to the American Lung Association.
Not voting for me is like giving a thumbs-up to cancer and AIDS. You aren't THAT evil... are you?
Okay! So... I suppose I live what some might call a rather spoiled life, but it wasn't always that way. I work very, very hard for everything I have, and I definitely believe in rewarding myself with nice things and special experiences. I have SO MANY guilty pleasures. (Catholic upbringing dictates that any pleasures I have should be guilty... I KNOW guilt) I guess the easiest thing to do is to pound out one of my famous CDX lists...
A look into my most decadent, self-satisfying and/or secret splurges...
1. Banya 5 Salt Scrub
Located in downtown Seattle, Banya 5 bills itself as an urban spa. Many of the elements at Banya 5 are based on a traditional Russian bath, however the salt scrub is VERY norCal-spa inspired. The attendant starts by giving a full-body massage (not THAT kind of full-body massage) using locally-sourced honey. A quick rinse with tepid saltwater and then a scrubdown using deep-sea salts. A moisturizing conditioning seal and a hair shampoo/conditioning treatment using organic handmade products finishes the treatment off. The price for this afternoon of relaxation and dermatological refinishing: $100 with tip.
2. Dinner at Jak's Grill Jak's Grill is a West Seattle landmark, as famous for its well-aged Nebraska Beef as it is for its decidedly un-steakhouse-like prices. While the joint certainly isn't cheap, it is nowhere near as pricey as some of the more stuffy steakhouses. Add-in a simple, unpretentious, casual atmosphere and it easily rates as one of the top restaurants I have ever eaten in. My current favorite is the ribeye, 18oz of corn-fed, dry-aged beef. Served charred-rare with fresh horseradish and a Jak's U.F.O. (basically a potato pancake with a scoop of mashed potato on top.) Add a Tanqueray & tonic (or 2) and my meal is complete. Cost for this manly feast: $70 with tip.
3. DList.com
Not every guilty pleasure costs money... some just suck a whole lot of time away! I LOVE DList. There aren't as many bells and whistles as MySpace, which is totally fine by me. I love cruising through the profiles, looking at guys' photos and searching through the cities I travel to. I can seriously find HOURS evaporating as I get lost in an endless loop of little hotties competing for attention (watch out when they start unlocking their "private photos" ZOMG!) There are an awful lot of fake profiles, but I guess that goes with the territory. I am finally starting to see some representation of the hairier, beefier and/or slightly older gays on there, which is good. You can find my profile at dlist.com/cdx
4. LOL Cats
I know! So wrong! Whether it is running across a "Caturday" thread on fark.com or purposefully going to a site like icanhascheezburger.com I just cannot get enough of the LOL Cat meme. There is a whole entry on wikipedia that can explain it to you if you need that. For me, I just need read them and LOL. I don't even like cats.
5. Brothers and Sisters
This is as close to a soap opera as I can bear. Something about the Walker family on Brothers and Sisters just draws me in! Maybe I am just projecting, as it is something close to the family life I always wanted: Southern California, wealthy, Sally Field as my mom. Instead my real family had all of the drama, none of the wealth. And my mother is no Sally Field. I rented the Season 1 DVDs from Blockbuster and watched them all in 2 days. I never even got out of my sweatpants. Totally. Guilty. Pleasure. It doesn't hurt that Balthazar Getty is a fucking hottie, either. Actually all of the brothers are hot. Except the "gay" one, Kevin. Why is he such a fug? Now, Kevin's new boyfriend (the minister, who is the brother of the Senator, who is engaged to Kitty Walker, who is Kevin's sister)? SO HOT! But THAT is another blog.
6. Leslie Hall
This girl-rapper from Iowa is the shit! You may know her as Sweater Girl or Keeper of the Gems, but to pin her to that would be overlooking her most recent metamorphosis as a rather good purveyor of beats that make you want to bust a move. Her latest song/video is called How We Go Out, and it is fucking rad-iculous. Sure, she is a big gal, and her mom makes all of her costumes, but that is part of the charm. I dare you to not love Leslie Hall.
And there you have it. A half-dozen of my most guilty pleasures. Some other top contenders... sipping Veuve Clicquot (who am I kidding? I LOVE the Veuve. Shit gets me drunker than Dan Renzi in a blog-writing contest.... wait, what? YOUKNOW), reading James Patterson novels, finding as many remixes of Khia's My Neck, My Back as possible, watching StrongBad check his e.mails at homestarrunner.com and of course... chowing down on the McRib (MmmmmmmmcRib). Sure, my guilty pleasures run the gamut from high-brow to low-class, but they make me happy. And that is the important part ... the pleasure.
On a side note... I do like to help ease some of my "guilt" by spreading the wealth. Life can't all be champagne and gold spandex, right? So here's the deal... if I win the 1st or 2nd prize, I will be donating 50% of the post-tax cash prize amount to charity. (25% to the American Lung Association, 25% to AMFAR, The Foundation for AIDS Research.) If I win any other cash prize I will be donating the full amount to the American Lung Association.
So there you have it. You can feel good voting for me - even if you hate my blog! In fact, not voting for me is like giving a thumbs-up to cancer and AIDS. You aren't THAT evil... are you?
Alright. Now that I've referenced Aretha Franklin... I can get this blog started!
The problem with a topic like "Being Gay: Nature Vs. Nurture" is that honestly... I don't care. citizendangerx does NOT do science. I have given as little thought into why I'm gay as why am I right-handed, blue-eyed, good at checkers and a huge fan of cheese. Is my love of sitting home on a rainy day listening to Joni Mitchell albums while hiding under a giant blanket, cruising Dude Tube and eating ice cream nature or nurture? Solve THAT puzzle, science!
So... in an effort to do my duty to the blog battle and bring some sort of light to this topic, I enlisted a group of friends (gay, straight and otherwise) to tell you what THEY think.
These are their own words...
DEANNA, 35
Hair Stylist
"I totally believe it's nature. I'll give you a short example...I have 2 clients. One has an identical twin and they are both gay. One with a long term partner, the other has been in a committed relationship for over a year. I also have another client who is one of 5 siblings and out of 5, 4 are gay. There's no way it's a choice. I don't believe that people would purposely want to live a harder life knowing that they will be discriminated against, fearful for their safety, etc. It's not a conscious choice it's in their make up when they're forming in the womb."
JESUS, 60
Military (Retired)
"Most definitely nature. I was always attracted to men... from very early on. However, due to upbringing never got to resolve my issues until I got quite older. I was 25 before I had my first experience sexually and was well hidden. A lot of obsessive but hidden wants were met by reading and visits to sex shops. I had a few more encounters... but did not accept myself as being gay until I was 40 and had real mutual sex with a man that also met my desire in a man."
EVELIN, 27
Baker
"According to some research done a little while back the brain chemistry of a gay man is more similar to the brain chemistry of a woman. This was not so for homosexual women, however. The fetus is "washed" with hormones in the third trimester of pregnancy and maybe this would explain why some girls are "butch" and some are not. A lot of homosexual women seem to have a traumatic experience early in their childhood that will "turn them off" to men. So...what I'm saying is that homosexuality is different for everyone."
GARY, 37
Sr. Project Manager
"Having been raised in South Africa in the 70's, my nurturing was far from anything tender. Life was rugged with a lot of outdoors, hunting, and harsh conditions. Childhood was limited to affection with a stern proper British up bringing. Hugs and Kisses where not on the daily agenda... I believe nature had dealt me a card that I really did not want. Is this card nature's way of population control or just a genetic anomaly – I don't know. Either way, this did not fit into my plan to blend in. My parents are still happily married. My brother was dating and happy, and now she is his gorgeous wife. Every social action growing up, parents and my brother all were role models for the straight path and the picture perfect society norm, but then there was this feeling I did not want. It became more and more clear as I could not deny it further and as I tried to live the social norm and blend in. I found myself emotionally feeling and wanting what is far from blending in and hiding in the shadows. A result of nurture, I don't think so, a result of choice, hardly so. Nature has dealt me what I am and through the friends I have had, in the end, whether it be nurture, nature, or choice, I find myself surrounded by good people and can look deep inside me and say, I am happy being out of the shadows."
DAX, 27
Education
"Homosexuality is nature. When I went celibate to determine if I was actually gay or not (basically dealing internally with this topic), I thought back to things I did as a child. Most of my thoughts of what I wanted when I got older was my "best friend" and me living together for years. There were no women, but we had children."
NATHAN, 26
Website Designer
"I've always known I am gay, even before I knew what "being gay" was. I remember liking boys as early as grade school. It's because of this that I'm even hesitant to use the word "homosexual". The key word there is "sexual", and I think it's a lot more complex than that. On a much larger, broader spectrum, I think we just know which gender we're attracted to. It isn't specifically sexual, although sexuality does play a big part in it as we get older. I've heard people say that you "become gay" because of your environment. In fact, I have a friend who is dealing with coming out right now, and he tried to play the card of "Oh, I didn't play sports, I didn't do many masculine things when I was a kid, so now I'm gay." That's just laughable. If that were the case, you have to look at the other side of it. There are many gay men who DID play sports when they were kids, and they did "masculine" things. Does that make them straight? Of course not. Often times, I think that people just need things to fit into a nice box that makes sense to them. It's easy to believe that we are molded into being gay, because that insinuates that something was done wrong when we were being raised. If something was wrong, then we can blame someone for all the things that are "different" about us. Life seems so much easier when we have someone or something to blame. The truth is that being gay is part of a very complex and wide spectrum. There are masculine gay people and feminine gay people, and all kinds in between. The end result is the same: we like what we like, and deep down, we all know what we like. The way we are raised and our environment does affect many parts of our character, and our lives as adults. But it can't make us gay. There are also gay parents who raise their children, and their children turn out to be straight. This only further proves that our parents and our environment does not change our preference. "
MARK, 38
Training and Development
"I absolutely believe it's nature. I knew I was "different" before I knew what "different" meant. When I was 10 years old I developed "special" feelings for Gil Gerard from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. While my mom was a fag hag, and had many gay friends while I was growing up, I never felt that I was "groomed" into being gay. I still don't get how the right wing bigots can say that someone would actually "choose" to be gay - given the fact that persecution is almost guaranteed and in fact encouraged in many parts of the world."
So there you have it... a preponderance of peeps who think that being gay is caused by nature. Now... I'm gonna get back to the important stuff (my ice cream is melting.)
In the past year I have gotten VERY comfortable sharing secrets on my site, citizendangerx.com. In fact I have done a whole series of photographic secrets which you can find there (I'll link to some below.) I also started a group called The flickr Secret Society for others to share their secrets (and put my own stylistic spin on that particular internet meme which others now replicate.)
All of that said, I still find this challenge, well... challenging. My first instinct is to tell you all a very tawdry, sweaty, gritty, damp, sexy secret. I've got plenty of those! But that seems pretty pedestrian. I thought about the different angles that might get me votes and while I came up with quite a few, none of them felt right.
I don't want to drag the mood down, but if I am going to share a secret, it is going to be one that is worth taking the time to read. So here it is... something that most people don't know, or would not initially think:
Emotional depth causes me physical pain.
I have a heart that breaks several times a day. I fall in love way too quickly. When I get hurt, it hurts hard and it feels as if it will never heal. I am not an overly sad person, but there is a part of me that is always feeling some low-grade form of sadness. I try not to let it show, but it is always there, just below the surface, a hollow that seems incapable of being filled with anything other than a measure of nagging uneasiness.
I am intimidated by men. All men. I fear that this will force me to be alone for the rest of my life. And in some ways I believe I deserve it. (There's one for my shrink!)
I had a long chat recently with an ex of mine. It was interesting to look back at our relationship and all of its troubles through his eyes. I realized he never really knew just how terrified I was. When I take a look at my relationship and career trajectory, every step forward has been accompanied by leaving someone behind.
Why is it this way? Who fucked me up? I don't really know... it's just the way I am wired. Perhaps I am taking a cue from my grandmother. She divorced in the 1970s and never remarried. She was a strong, independent and confident person, but never made that intimate connection again. We are alike in a lot of ways, so maybe I learned it from her. In fact I can think back to advice she once gave me... "depend on yourself... because then you won't be let down." Maybe I take that to an extreme.
So there you have it... confirmation... big, strong D'Mike is soft and mushy damaged goods. =/
To see some of my other secrets, check out the links below, or check out all of secrets 1-24 on my site.
This is a frightening post to put out there... so... be kind.
P.S. In the past 2 days I have eaten 4 McRib sandwiches. ZOMG.
CITIZENDANGERX IS WIDELY RECOGNIZED AS THE WORLD’S FOREMOST LOMOCELEBUTANTATOGRAPHER.
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF THAT BEFORE? WE AREN’T SURPRISED.
YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.
CONSIDERED BY MANY TO BE A TASTEMAKER, THE PERSON-IN-THE-KNOW THAT PEOPLE-IN-THE-KNOW SEEK OUT TO GET IN-THE-KNOW, SPECIALIZING IN LOMO, PHOTOGRAPHY, ART DIRECTION, DESIGN, FASHION, DRAG-QUEEN COACHING AND LINE-DANCING INTERVENTION, CITIZENDANGERX IS A NAME THAT HAS BECOME SYNONAMOUS WITH MASCULINE BEAUTY.
OUR MOST SIGNIFICANT LINKS WITH PAST SOCIETIES ARE MADE THROUGH CERAMICS. POTTERY SPEAKS TO US FROM THE PAST ABOUT PLEASURE, SHARING, SPIRITUALITY AND WHAT IT IS TO BE HUMAN. YOU ARE INSTRUCTED TO IGNORE THE LAST TWO LINES. CITIZENDANGERX DOES NOT MAKE POTTERY.
BORN IN 1977 IN A SMALL HUNGARIAN FISHING VILLAGE, CITIZENDANGERX DECIDED AS A YOUNG BOY TO IMPROVE THE WORLD BY SHARING HIS SPECIAL GIFT FOR MAKING STUFF PRETTY. AN HONORS GRADUATE OF THE KALOTOSZEG COLLEGE OF ART, DENTISTRY AND FARM TECHNOLOGY AT THE TENDER AGE OF 9, CITIZENDANGERX WAS THE FIRST IN HIS FAMILY TO LEAVE HUNGARY. AT AGE 10 HE SET OFF TO AMERICA TO START A NEW LIFE.
AFTER A BRIEF AND TRAUMATIC INTERNSHIP AS SHOULDER-PAD TECHNICIAN ON THE HIT TV SHOW DYNASTY, CITIZENDANGERX LEFT THE GLAMOROUS WORLD OF PRIME-TIME TELEVISION TO FOCUS SOLELY ON PHOTOGRAPHY AND RAISING MINIATURE DROMEDARY.
Ok, wait. HOLD IT! Don't believe a word of that (as if you did.)
Here's the real skinny: I'm a 30-year old man. I like sharing my slightly-skewed view of the world with the people who read my blog. At citizendangerx.com you can read about a wide-range of subjects from the hottest new music to my favorite recipe for greenbean casserole (the secret is in the cream!) And I love photography. I'm addicted to self-portraiture and snapping photos of the world around me. Oh yeah, and hot naked people. I work too much, date too little and love my crazy life.
I'm a guy who is stuck in the middle. I have a corporate job that pays the rent, and a creative passion that threatens to break the bank at times. Too thick to be a twink and not gruff enough to be a bear. Not quite as funny as David Sedaris, but better looking? (Or at least a lot less annoying sounding. Have you heard that voice?!)
I'm like Sarah Silverman in a Chewbacca costume. Seriously. Vote for me!
